Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Advice from a Friend

So, I was hanging out in this jar the other day and my friend Hap comes up and asks me "Dude, if you are so bored, why don't you go clubbing?"

Monday, August 14, 2006

Sibling Rivalry

Today my sister told me that she is going to start her own blog. I was all like "Sweet dude! Yeah! Awesome! I will totally have a link to your blog on my blog and stuff. This is gonna be wicked cool." But, honestly, her news made me feel a little bit angry and a little bit more competitive. Anyway, I cooled off a bit and then, as we usually do, she and I decided to meet up and go eat some Hale and Hearty soup samples.

So, I am in Chelsea Market and I see her walking towards me and her bow tie is all askew. Silly sister! Naturally, I reach out to try and fix it but find that I can't control my vicious grip and soon thereafter the skull blood is all backed up and her head blows apart like an over-ripe melon.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Welcome to the new MILLANium!

In the past few months I have noticed a subtle shift in the way that New York City dog owners manage their dogs. I love dogs, but I realize that this love does not extend to urban animals in the same capacity that it does towards the dogs from my youth. Sure, a tiny miniature tea-cup pee-wee gnome pomeranian is pretty fucking cute but I will gladly feed it to my giant inbred tick-covered Golden Retriever any day of the week.

On most mornings, I walk to my office via 24th Street between 9th and 10th Aves. Those who are familiar with this area know that my morning commute takes me straight through the heart of DOGSHIT LAND. This block has a higher person to mini-dog that costs over $2000 ratio than anywhere else in the city. It is the kind of block where more often than not a dog's name corresponds directly with its owner's favorite designer. - Miu Miu , Dolce , Chloe, Ralph...

Anyway, back to the new dog-management. There have been a couple of recent instances where I have seen a dog and his owner involved is some sort of matrix-style yoga pose on street. The owner is always looking really serious like trying to commune with the dog and the dog is always looking super scared and is peeing a little bit. Apparently, this is what the Dog Whisperer wants us to do. Press your dog into the sidewalk and concentrate really hard and you will bring his beast psychology back into balance.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Vertical Breasts Are the Future!

I can only hope that one day this movement will be taken seriously by such dedicated activists as those New York residents who have so selflessly devoted countless hours in their quest to Save the High Line - Manhattan's most-beloved elevated rail bed!

Saturday, August 05, 2006


Sushi bars are a great place to draw. The bar is at just the right height, people leave you alone and you have all these colorful mounds of raw fish right in front of you.

I also like the towering position of the sushi chefs in relation to those sitting at the bar. The sushi bar layout is pharmacy-like and I like that. The raw fish pharmacists will put it all together and hand it down to you. Certain fishy combos can be deadly but certain combos will put you right where you need to be.

Anyway, one time this sushi chef walked in with a hamachi gas mask and gave me a nice dose. Here is a toon about how it all went down.


I like Japanese restaurants. I like sushi and edamame and tempura and at one point in my life often looked to sake as an effective mid-afternoon mental anesthetic. Brain novocaine.

So, the sushi chef hands me a nice thick piece of salmon sashimi. Sashimi looks up at me with his big gooey eyes and he is all pink and slobbering about his friends who had just been strapped to the back of a brandless motorcycle headed for London Terrrace Apt 6E. He is all crying and shit and all of a sudden I realize that his sobs have drowned out the calming acoustic cascades of the serenity waterfall on the wall near me so I stab him with my chopstick and eat the fuck out of him.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Toon time

Toons have been a sizable part of the last three years of my life. Here is a toon I drew while working hard at my first job. I had recently acquired a bunch of television storyboard notebooks and I was excited to use them while I answered the phones and tried to look cute and intriguing at the front desk of a large commercial post-production house.

There was nothing that made me happier than to have an designer-jean clad art director sipping on a Starbuck the size of his head say to me, "Hey, what are you up to over there?" I would then spend as much time as I could impressing him with my whimsical speech patterns and irreverant attitude towards my job until his Land Rover dealership called to let him know that the new upholstery would not be ready for this weekend. I would then pass along the message and the information would inevitably send him into a fit of rage and he would spend the remainder of the afternoon smoking cigarettes on the roof with one of the guys who invented the AFLAC campaign with the stupid duck.

Anyway, I had forgotten about this toon.I think it is almost 4 years old.

Jose, an assistant editor, made people mad and a little bit afraid. He had the kind of no-bullshit attitude that you only ever see demonstrated by people who do not live in New York and work in commercials. Jose was also one of the nicer people for whom I have ever answered the phone but one day, Jose got canned. In any case, he stuck it to the man and went out in style with like a trail of golden flames shooting out of his ass. Now he is an editor and you best organize those files or else he will release a world of pain upon you.